"I’m Ok, You’re Ok"

In the 60’s there was a very popular book called, "I’m OK - You’re OK". It was written by Eric Berne. His theory was that every human being is born OK. Each of us is unique and responsible for our own behavior but each of us is OK. Therefore, the therapist or counselor makes the assumption for every client that they are OK and he/she is OK. In other words, the client, no matter how bad, how messed up or sinful is OK. To relate and build a relationship you start with absolute acceptance.

This is what happened in the story of the prodigal son. (see Luke 15:11-32) The father accepts his son totally and completely. He is forgiven, in spite of the fact that he left the family and blew his inheritance. Notice that forgiveness takes place with no strings attached. When the prodigal confessed the father was not near to hear it, nor was the son required to pay any recompense for his mistakes. No penalties, no confession, instead, absolute, unconditional forgiveness.

Every time I tell this story I always hear the response, "but it’s not fair." The older brother complains that he is not being treated fairly. He compares his life to his brother and cries foul. Most of us are like him, wanting the prodigal to be punished while we get brownie points for our goodness. Unfortunately, it is not an "I’m OK - You’re OK" world that we live in. It is basically "I’m OK and everyone else needs to live up to my expectations, my rules, my understanding of what is fair." We see the world much like the older brother. We work hard, follow the rules and get terribly upset when someone, like the prodigal, returns home and receives a party.

I heard a story one time that really helped me understand the reason this story is in the gospel. A woman told me that her husband never did the dishes with her. After dinner he would take a walk, while his wife did the dishes. When he returned he would always, without exception, present her with a flower. She never questioned where they came from. But, the husband told her how much he loved her and gave her the flower as a symbol of his love and appreciation. One evening the husband returned with a green leaf. Apparently he was unable to find a flower. The woman did not hesitate to say "thank you" and received the leaf with joy. Momentarily, she thought she had been slighted but decided to accept the leaf graciously. Forgiveness was such a part of who she was that criticism and guilt could not find their place in her words or actions. That very night her husband died in his sleep.

What if the woman had not said, "thank you", like she did every time before? What if she had been angry at him or felt in her heart that she had somehow slipped to a lower place in her husband’s heart? This woman did none of those things. She accepted the flower graciously, she forgave. And now she has lived some twenty years free of guilt and sorrow for loving her husband in spite of a simple imperfection.

Is forgiveness possible? In this case the woman was able to keep her feelings under control and show her admiration for her spouse although she was disappointed. But, what about more extreme cases? The story of the prodigal is such an example.

The prodigal son story is about money. He blew his inheritance. We are not very tolerant of relatives and others who waste their money. We even have an evening program called, "wastebusters", that reminds us daily of how government or some institution blew our tax dollars. Having worked for the military I am acutely aware of how money is wasted. But, I also remember the intense pressure that is placed on people and the demand for an immediate response. Let’s be real, all of us waste our money, it is just easier to point the finger when the pot is much larger.

John Patton, who wrote, Is Human Forgiveness Possible, Abingdon, l985, said that "Human forgiveness is not doing something but discovering something …. that I am more like those who have hurt me than different from them. I am able to forgive when I discover that I am in no position to forgive."

The older brother was absorbed with his own goodness. He was not willing to accept his brother back. Human forgiveness is not something we can just do or say, like saying "I’m sorry" or sending a bouquet of flowers. It is something that happens as a result of us seeing ourselves as wastebusters also. Forgiveness means we use our energy toward moving on with life instead of resenting the past.

All that mattered to the father in the story is that his son is alive and he is Ok. And this is cause for celebration. He doesn’t say, "nice to have you back". He is ecstatic. When there is a celebration there is a rebuilding of relationships. People are reunited, healing occurs and bonds are made. A celebration also makes a public and visible statement which results in harmony and peace.

You often here folks say, "I can forgive, but I will never forget". Is that really forgiveness? Or is it conditional forgiveness? It is difficult to erase things from our memory that have caused us pain and disappointment. However, dwelling upon them does not help us to move forward. When we can’t forgive it is because of shame. Either we have been shamed or someone else is ashamed. The only thing that can overcome shame is the restoration of a relationship. That happens with unconditional love and acceptance, the continued practice of moving ahead in life and the realization that we too are not perfect.

Who are the prodigals in your life? Can you see that forgiveness will result in harmony, peace and the building up of community? Let us all remember that our willingness to forgive someone else is directly related to our willingness to see our own imperfections first. If we can’t forgive then we are not being honest with ourselves. We must move beyond believing, "I’m OK and you are NOT OK to I’m OK and so are you". While others may not welcome us back, God does. God’s forgiveness is endless. Others may not give us a chance to start over, but God does. And every time one of God’s children comes home, God celebrates.

Dr. Keith Wagner, Pastor
St. Paul’s United Church of Christ
Sidney, Ohio