"Grappling With God" - Genesis 32:22-31 - October 21, 2001

Since the tragedy of September 11th, I have found myself waking up in the middle of the night pondering over the senseless loss of life. For me it is incomprehensible. I believe our nation is still in shock, not having fully grasped the reality of what has occurred. I find myself talking about the crisis with people in the congregation, with family members, with colleagues, even strangers.

Many don’t want to talk about it. They just want it to go away and somehow find a way to feel safe again. Some want to punish the perpetrators and others want revenge. Most just shake their heads unable to explain it.

More puzzling to me is where to go from here. How long will it take to end terrorism and make our world a safe place once again? Is that even possible or do we have to live in fear the rest of our lives? How much money is this all going to cost? Who will pay for it? Can my children and grandchildren expect to live their lives in a free society without the threat of terrorist acts?

I am grappling with the love ethic of Christ on the one hand and the need for justice on the other. I am grappling with the irony that both bombs and food are being dropped from American aircraft in the same areas. I am grappling with living in a nation that has such great abundance while much of the world, Afghanistan notwithstanding, is in total poverty.

Jacob grappled too. He was grappling with the guilt of stealing his brother’s birth rite. He was grappling with the thought of meeting his brother Esau, face to face, for the first time in over twenty years. Jacob had reached a point in his life where the "rubber meets the road." He was forced to grapple with his humanity, with all its failures and successes, and now ultimately face his fears. Like Abraham before him, Jacob was ready for a great test, the will of God, verses his own free will, as well as whatever degree of faith he may have had.

What happened? This is the $64,000 question. We know from the story he wrestled with someone or something. Perhaps it was God, perhaps it was his inner self. Or perhaps he was just grappling with life.

At this point I need to make a distinction between "grappling" and "wrestling." Wrestling is a competitive sport where there are rules and two people use all of their strength. The goal is to either reach a position whereby their opponent is unable to move, or "win" by scoring more points. Grappling, on the other hand, means to overcome or deal with, as grappling with a problem. It also means to engage in a struggle or have a close encounter. This, I believe, is most representative of what happened with Jacob that night as he camped alone by the River Jabbok.

The Jabbok is a tributary that flows into the Jordan River about 15 miles North of the Dead Sea. Its current is strong and steady. The waters make a constant gurgling sound. It has steep banks and the river makes a natural boundary between two kingdoms (Sihon and Og). For Jacob it becomes the final obstacle he has to cross before his encounter with his brother, Esau. According to The Torah, (A Modern Commentary, Union of American Hebrew Congregations, New York, 1981) "Crossing a river is symbolic of overcoming a hazard and going forward to a new experience."

This becomes the scene in which Jacob must grapple with the next step in his life. In the past laid guilt and shame. The river represents fear and what lies on the other side is freedom. Only this is not to be discovered until Jacob completes his grappling.

I often hear people make the comment, "None of this makes sense at the moment (referring to the events of September 11th) but I am sure it will be clear sometime in the future." Perhaps. But, what if it never makes sense? What if in our entire life time we can never fully rationalize what happened or establish any sound reason as to why?

Do we know who or what Jacob grappled with? Can he explain why he did what he did? Does he know how the encounter with his brother will end? All we know is that Jacob was in a struggle, engaged in a close encounter with all his strength, both mental and physical. Does he win? Obviously not, since he walks away with a permanent limp. Does he lose? He doesn’t lose either since he is still able to proceed on his journey. What then happened?

I believe that Jacob had to come to grips with the fact that his past was his past. It could not be erased but neither did it have to paralyze him from continuing on. His grappling becomes a prelude to his transformation. Before, he was Jacob, guilt ridden, sorrowful and scared. Now he is Israel, moving forward with hope and faith. Wounded, yes. Finished, no.

In 1979 I was struggling with the "call" to ministry. At the time I was a sales manager of a medical supply and equipment distribution company in Columbus, Ohio. I was also very active in my church, teaching, singing and sharing in its ministry. God had presented the idea of going into the ministry before, but I always had an excuse. This time the feelings were so strong I could not deny them. I was successful but not fulfilled. I was not being who I was meant to be. So, I grappled.

It was like a tug-of-war. I vacillated for about six months, searching, pondering, grasping for confirmation. I finally let go. It meant reducing the family income by almost 50%. It meant more schooling, it meant a transition for me and my young family. No more company car, no more sales bonuses. But, exactly 120 days after making the decision to leave the business I found myself completely transformed. I moved from Columbus to a rural area about 45 miles to the Northwest. We were given a parsonage and not one small country church to serve but three.

On a Friday in August I said goodbye to my staff, turned over the keys to my company car, cleaned out my desk and headed out the door. The last thing I packed were my business cards which read, "Mr. Keith Wagner, Sales Manager." The following Sunday I led my first worship service and preached my first sermon. Now my identity had been changed as everyone called me "Reverend" or "Pastor."

There is probably not one among us who has not grappled at some point in their life. Do you remember a time when you grappled? I am confident that it was also a time of great personal growth. It may have been a time when your faith was tested. Somehow you have endured as your grappling made you a stronger person.

Grappling with the ambiguities and challenges of life enables us to accept our past and embrace the future. It doesn’t mean everything is resolved nor will it all ever be explained. Rather, it gives us the opportunity to be something different in the future.

Notice that Jacob, now Israel, is commended for his grappling. He is given a new identity. He is also challenged to be something different. God had called him to give leadership to God’s people. Jacob was blessed by God and now he can accept his new identity and the challenges that came with it. He has made the transition but only with God’s help.

Like Jacob, our nation will limp into the future. We have been wounded by the tragic events of September but we will forge ahead. We will be a people permanently scarred but still able to live with the help of God. Our grappling will never resolve everything that happens in life, it will, however lead to reconciliation and newness. Perhaps instead of all this talk about the "New War," we should be talking about a "New America." Hopefully, and with the help of God we too will be transformed, accepting our new identity and the challenges that come with it.

Dr. Keith Wagner, St. Paul’s United Church of Christ.