"The Significant Other” – Genesis 2:18-23 – May 11, 2008

I have many images of my mother but the one that stands out the most is the image of my mother and father doing the dishes together. Mom would wash and Dad would dry. I once asked them why this was such a meaningful event for them. My mother replied, “Because your father and I know that you four boys will leave us alone while we do the dishes.”

My parents have been married for sixty-six years. Their roles in the household have been mostly traditional, my mother attending to the household tasks of cleaning, cooking and doing laundry, while my father mowed the yard, fixed things around the house and maintained the cars.

Besides doing the dishes together they shared in gardening and most importantly parenting their four sons. According to my textbook on Marriage and Family, my parents are a textbook couple. The primary reason they have had a successful marriage is the fact that they have shared the power in their household.

In Genesis the Hebrew word, ezer, is best translated as “partner.” Some versions have used the word, “helpmate,” but that word stretches the implied meaning of ezer. What God intended for the man was a partner, another human being to share life with him. “Bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh” is a phrase that means “kinship.” God did not create a human who was subservient to man. God created a partner, someone who was equal to man.

The word, ezer, appears twenty-one times in the Old Testament. It is often used in parallelism to words that mean strength or power. There is no evidence to support the argument that God created the woman to be the man’s domestic helper or slave. Nor does the text suggest that God created woman for the sole purpose of procreation. God gave Adam a partner, another human being to share in the power of life. Man needed a partner to care for the wildlife, the crops and all living things.

In modern times the phrase, “significant other” is replacing helpmate or partner. People have a live in friend, a person they socialize with more than any other, or a best friend that is there for them in every circumstance. In these times people are marrying later in life and their partner is usually referred to as their significant other.

One of the primary theories that I teach in Marriage and Family classes is the Social Exchange Theory. That is where we measure our actions and relationships on a cost-benefit basis. Resources, rewards and costs are more likely to be love, companionship, status, power, fear and loneliness. It is where there is total equity. Exchanges are balanced or hard feelings are likely to ensue. When partners recognize that they are in an inequitable relationship, they generally feel uncomfortable, angry or distressed. (from The Marriage and Family Experience, 10th Edition, Strong, DeVault and Cohen)

Relationships fail because power is not shared. One person ends up carrying most of the domestic and financial burdens for the household or family. When the relationship is not equal one person is being dominated and that can end up in some form of abuse, either psychological or physical.

Notice that man had no part in creating woman. He was “asleep,” a silent, passive bystander when woman was created. He was not a participant in her creation. In other words, the woman was not dependent on the man for her personhood. God created woman just as God created man.

God made man to be God’s partner in taking care of God’s creation. But, God was concerned about the loneliness of the man and therefore created a partner because without a partner the man was incomplete. This story is not about who came first, but who was missing. After God created Adam he said, “It is not good that this man should be alone.”

There are many forms of loneliness. Take for example a person who is faced with a difficult decision and no one else can make it for them. Or what about the leader of a company who is challenged with laying off workers because of decreasing workloads and diminished profits? Consider the family of a soldier in Iraq who is separated from a husband or father. What about a person who is facing surgery? There are also the everyday feelings of loneliness as we strive to cope with the pressures of a single day.

For Adam in the garden, God put an end to his loneliness by sending him someone to share the journey. No longer would Adam be solely responsible for all God’s creatures. Adam needed a partner, someone to share his trials and tribulations in the garden, an associate to share in the responsibilities and management of God’s creation.

A few weeks ago my wife went on a weekend trip with her mother. I had several church functions to participate in so it was a good time for her to be away. When she returned she asked me if I missed her. Of course I missed her, but I was also glad she could spend quality time with her mother. She then asked, “What did you miss most about me?” I said, “I found there were moments when I was lost. I didn’t know what to do since you are such a great planner and often think of creative things to do.” I believe we all appreciate our partners more when we experience time away from each other.

In the story of Genesis, there is no implication that a person must be married to experience partnership. And, the reference to the couple’s nakedness could be understood metaphorically, meaning that there is a true partnership when two people are free to expose themselves to each other without anything to hide. Given the concept of “aloneness” I believe the text is saying that by opening ourselves to a partner, we not only become complete but we establish a new identity.

Verse 24 seems to stand alone but it supports the partnership of a man and woman. In that day it was customary for a woman to leave her family and marry her husband. I believe, however that this verse also has to do with dependence. In order for a person to have a partner they must cease being dependent on their parents. In order for a man and woman to create a relationship they must be fully bonded to each other and no longer bonded to their parents who raised them.

One time I performed a wedding for a couple and the woman had a young child. During the rehearsal the child kept holding on to his mother. He couldn’t stand for her to be out of his sight for more than a minute. When the bride came down the aisle he was clinging to her, not willing to let go. The child was obviously going through separation anxiety.

The couple was fearful that he might make a scene during the wedding but we continued with the rehearsal. When we practiced the vows and ring exchange the child realized that he was not the center of attention and he held on to the best man. When we practiced the recessional the bride and groom walked arm in arm down the aisle with the child tagging behind. We still didn’t know what would happen the next day. During the wedding the bride was escorted by her father on one side and her child on the other. But, when they arrived at the front of the sanctuary the child let go of his mother and crawled into the lap of his grandpa. Mom clearly made the point that her new husband was number one in her life.

Our significant other truly can’t be significant unless he or she is number one in our lives. Although today is Mother’s Day and most of us will acknowledge our mothers in some way, it is really “Significant Other’s Day.” Most men I know will be taking their wives out for dinner or buying them a gift. Flowers and jewelry are always appropriate.

In Chicken Soup for the Couple’s Soul, Nancy Robison tells the story about her husband, Gary. He was not one who gave gifts. Unlike her father who always gave her mother presents on special days, Gary, would occasionally give her things like kitchen utensils or household items. Gary was in the merchant marine and one time when he returned from sea he gave her a shoulder pad for the telephone. Nancy always gave Gary gifts and frequently dropped hints about things she wanted. But Gary never listened. On one particular day he was going to an auction. She said, “How about bringing me a bracelet, or diamond earrings for my birthday.” He came home with a road scraper. He showed her how to use it, all the while oblivious that she was ungrateful.

That winter there was a terrific blizzard while Gary was out to sea. Nancy used the road scraper to plow out the driveway and the neighbor’s driveway as well. Gary had wisely chosen something she needed instead of something she wanted. Gary didn’t shower Nancy with gifts but he frequently cooked, cleaned house, vacuumed, did laundry and chauffeured the kids to activities. The day before he leaves for sea he stacks a month’s supply of firewood next to the house. Nancy understood that there was a difference between a present and a gift. A present is a thing. A gift is something intangible, like an act of kindness or the willingness to make a sacrifice.

God gives us partners to share life and God’s creation. The most successful relationships are those where the partners are equal. To be alone can be a painful existence, therefore God wants us to enjoy our significant others. And, we will experience fullness of life when we make our partners number one.

Dr. Keith Wagner, St. Paul’s United Church of Christ, Sidney, Ohio