Meataterian

I like plants

I have plants all over my house.  In my yard.  In my car.

Yes in my car.

I don’t have any friends.  I don’t know why?  No one ever rides in the back seat.

So I just use the back seat for gardening.  A car works like a greenhouse.

I have to let it run all night with the heater on when it gets really cold though.

I really like carnivorous plants.

Those are the ones that eat meat. 

I have one that is shaped like a pitcher.  It lures the bugs in with sweet stuff and then they can’t get out.  It eats mostly flies.

I have another that keeps a little pool of water for the bugs to drink.  It then drowns them and eats them.

I have a lot of those meat-eating plants.

I have one that eats chickens.

Full-grown chickens.  Full-grown male chickens.  Feathers and all.

No I made that last one up just to get your attention.  Or was it the one that was shaped like a pitcher?  Or the pool of water one?  Well anyway I made one of them up so I could tell you about my eating disorder.

As you know second millennium America has too much food so it is bound to produce eating disorders. 

Mine is a little different than most.

You know I said I like plants?  Well I really like plants. No, I mean really, really like plants.

I always walk on the sidewalk. I won’t even step on a blade of grass. 

The sound of a lawnmower drives me to hysterics.

So my love for plants creates a real dilemma. What do I eat?  I eat only meat. 

You may have heard of me before?  I am the president of the HATE PETA club.  You haven’t?  Well we are not as famous as PETA.  We do have a few billboards up.  Maybe you have seen them.  “GOT POISON IVY”?  No?  No one has seen them.  It is mayor Julianne with poison ivy blisters around his mouth.

NOTE: (this is a reference to the PETA group putting up billboards of mayor of new York Julianne with milk on his upper lip and the billboard saying “got prostate?”)

Since I eat only meat.  I have to eat a lot of it to get all my vitamins and minerals.  By the end of the day I am digging the bones out of the Chicken eating plant.  Or was that the flies I ate last night.

Well anyway.

In America when you have a disorder you got to seek help.  So I figured there was something like Alcohol Anonymous. 

I went to the Yellow pages and started looking through, trying to find something. 

“AA” was easy to find.  They were right at the front of the book.  I guess they put it there so you can find it while you are drunk.

Well I finally found it.  It was under “MM” for Meat Maniacs.

It was right beside “S&M” so I accidentally called them.  I was telling them about my obsession to only eat meat and they were really excited about me joining them.  We finally, after some embarrassing moments, figured out I had dialed the wrong number and I called MM.

I went to my first meeting and they convinced me I should seek professional help.

So I went back to the yellow pages and looked up psychologist and psychiatrist. 

Well I had never had professional help before so I didn’t know which one to get an appointment with.

Psychologist looked like the best bet because it did have the word psycho in it.  Psychiatrist had SiKri in it.  SiKri sounds like some Japanese greeting.  “SiKriiiii…..SiKriiii” So I got an appointment with a psychologist.  Wrong choice.

So I got another one with a Psychiatrist.

I was setting in the waiting room and there was this guy setting beside me. 

I said “I’m in because I only eat meat” I sounded like I was in prison “What are you in for?”

He said, “I am a nocturnal homo necro bestialliac.”

So I started keeping track on my fingers. 

OK.  Nocturnal means he only does it a night.

Homo means he only does it with his own sex.

Necro means he only does it with dead things.

I thought O my God this is getting creepy.

Bestiality means he only does it with animals.

So he has sex with dead male animals at night.

And then it occurred to me that I may be eating these dead animals.

That was a disgusting thought.

But you know hunger is like sex.  They both drive you to what you eat.

But just to be safe.  I decided to stop at the plant store on the way home. To get away from eating after this really creepy guy, I bought a new plant.  This one only eats full grown female chickens. Or was that flies?

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