“ A MIDSUMMER NIGHT’S DREAM”
By Jack Bowman 2002 ©
Narrator: The summer of Civilization came at the end of the nineteenth century. After ten thousand years Civilization had reached its peak with the Impressionist, the invention of film and photography, functional theories of the universe, theories on equality of social order. Then the nightmare came. World War One and World War Two. This is the aftermath of that nightmare.
ENTER IZAN KNARF
Narrator: Izan Knarf is “Frank Nazi spelled backward. He is a black Nazi Clown Magician from Hell. He has been there for the past sixty years.
He should enter with his clothes smoking and him dusting the smoke away
Izan pulls a lighted match from his person (USES MATCH GIMMICK). (shirt, hat, something) and says( If match gimmick doesn’t work dust off clothes anyway and say),
“Damned fireflies”.
IZAN THEN CONTINUES
Yea I know. Black Nazi Clown. How stupid could I be? …. So now I am here in hell…
Pull out jesus hanky and blow nose saying “Excuse me”
Unfold it and show audience that it is a picture of jesus.
Say “Oh Shit…..Wrong handkerchief.” Then put it away and pull out the devil handkerchief (unfold it and show it to the audience) and blow nose again. Put it away also.
From the audience someone yells with a southern accent: “Hey Bro. You ain’t no black man. You just a ugly white boy” OR if there is not an audience person available; Izan will say “I know I don’t look black but that is part of my punishment in hell. I turn white.”
“You know clowns have a code of ethics. Seven of them. I try to violate all of them. Especially the drinking one. ‘I will not drink before or during a performance.’ Like I can get up her without hitting the bottle to mellow me out. But once I get on stage I have to drink Coke. Coke is our sponsor. Yea Coke sends more people to hell than any other product. Have you seen how much crap is in it? Diabetic poison for sure. Actually I really like Coke. You know what I mean. Coke is really hot in hell.”
REACH AND GET COKE AND IGNITE IT (A trick can of Coke is used the flames are controlled)
“Damn this one is really hot.” BLOW OUT THE FLAME (If the coke can gimmick does not work the first time – do not continue to strike).
REMOVE THE COKE FALSE TOP AND ASK THE AUDIENCE
“Anyone want this one? A coke from hell.” GIVE TO AN AUDIENCE MEMBER NEAR FRONT OF STAGE
IZAN PICKS UP THE SCHLITZ CAN
“You may be wondering why I have a can of beer on stage since I can only drink Coke. Well all the heavy drinkers have to spend eternity in a Schlitz can. I know what you are thinking. Hey that would not be too bad. But have you ever drank Schlitz? If you had you would not want to spend eternity tasting it.”
SCHLITZ CAN SHOULD ALREADY BE WOUND. PLACE THE CAN ON A SMOOTH SURFACE AND IT SHOULD BOUNCE A LITTLE
“See this one wants to get out.”
Izan picks up “JANET RENO’S BEST LOVE STORIES” AND SAYS, “We have books in Hell. Well only one book. It is really hot. It is called “Janet Reno’s Best Love Stories”. IZAN OPENS BOOK AND IT IGNITES IN FLAME (A trick book is used – the flames are controlled.) IZAN CLOSES THE BOOK AND PUTS IT DOWN AND SAYS, “Wow, I told you it was really hot. Anyway her Love Stories are to hot for us today.”
IZAN SAYS, “While things are cooling off lets talk about Hell for a minute.
The Afghanis! Bush and Cheney thought they had bombed them all to hell. But they are not here. I don’t know where they are.
Capitalist. Now I know where they are. The damn place is full of them. They are always trying to buy stuff. They have plenty of money. Remember everyone saying. ‘You can’t take it with you’? Well they were wrong. If you go to hell you can take it with you. One problem though, (TAKE OUT FIRE WALLET AND IGNITE) When the money hits the air it burst into flames. (A trick wallet is used the flames are controlled)
IZAN SAYS, “I guess you are tired of hearing about Hell. You get that crap from your Churches. You probably rather see some magic. I am a magician you know! I once performed for Hitler. Hitler’s favorite thing was the swastika box. In the swastika box you can make things appear and disappear.
SIT SWASTIKA BOX ON (NEAR TO AUDIENCE) TABLE
IZAN SAYS, “This is really a Phidius box. He invented the golden mean. There is some evidence that Pythagoras invented it.
I tried to find these guys, so I could ask them, but couldn’t. There are none of the Greeks in hell. I would think it would be full of them. You know Greek, Sappho, Island of Lesbos, that kind of stuff.
But they are not here. Nor the Romans.
Maybe he felt sorry for them for having such a f*%*# up language.
To say “Phi” as in Phidias, you have to touch your teeth to the front of your lip. (IZAN POINTS FINGER TO LOWER LIP) How stupid is that? When they made up their language they must have been biting their lip a lot.
Well anyway we have to call it a swastika box because Hitler does not like to put his teeth in front of his mouth. Actually neither do I.
As you can see the Swastika box is hollow and empty (HOLD UP BOX AND LOOK THROUGH IT)
Hitler really liked to make time disappear. Of course here time runs backwards. (IZAN POINTS TO THE BACKWARD RUNNING CLOCK ON THE WALL) (IZAN THEN TAKES OUT POCKET WATCH)
Back there and then Hitler really wanted time to disappear so he could have time to develop more of his super weapons, his weapons of mass destruction. (IZAN HOLDS UP WATCH) So I am going to make this watch disappear into the Swastika Box. (IZAN DROPS WATCH INTO SWASTIKA BOX AND SAYS THE MAGIC WORDS) Time, Time go away and come again some other day.
(SHORT PAUSE) (DROP DIME ONTO TABLE) (UNFOLD SWASTIKA BOX) (PICK UP DIME FROM TABLE WITH LEFT HAND – RIGHT HAND IS HOLDING THE FOLD OF THE SWASTIKA BOX)
Oh f*%*# I think I was suppose to say – Go away keeper of time and give me a God damn dime. You know fifty years in Hell kind of fogs your memory.
(HOLD UP DIME AND SAY ) Hey it is a Roosevelt dime. He gave this to me. Yea he is here too! Almost all the leaders of the modern world are here. I guess they just got this wild hair up their butt one day and said ‘I am great and glorious and I am going to lead the people’. Definitely a hellish thought.
You would think Hell would be full of the Godless Communist. But NO! There are none here. I don’t know where the hell they went. But not here.
Well let me see if I can find that damned watch. Hitler is going to be pissed if I lose time. Yea Hitler is here. You guys called that right.
PLACE A SILK OVER THE TOP OF THE SWASTIKA BOX STRAIGHTEN THE SILK AND SAY) “Time, Time come back today or we don’t want to hear what Hitler will say.”
(OPEN UP THE SILK AND REMOVE THE WATCH)
(IZAN PICKS UP THE CHANGING BAG AND SAYS) Another trick of mine that Hitler liked was making money. Not just any money. It had to be Nazi money. With this swastika bag. I can turn American Dollars into Nazi pennies. Like Pennies from Hell.
(IZAN UNZIPS THE BOTTOM OF THE SWASTIKA CHANGING BAG) (HE HOLDS IT UP TO THE AUDIENCE AND RUNS HIS ARM THROUGH IT – HE THEN HOLDS IT UP TO HIS FACE AND LOOKS AT THE AUDIENCE THROUGH IT) SAYS,
“As you can see it is empty”
(IZAN TAKES OUT A PAPER BILL FROM HIS SHIRT POCKET AND HOLDS IT OVER THE CHANGING BAG)
IZAN DROPS THE DOLLAR BILL INTO THE CHANGING BAG– WITH HIS LEFT HAND –HE SWITCHES THE SIDES OF THE CHANGING BAG) IZAN SAYS, “Abracadabra Abra caZam Pennies from hell here I am.” (IZAN REACHES INTO THE CHANGING BAG AND REMOVES SEVERAL PENNIES SAYING) “Pennies from Hell” (IZAN WALKS OVER TO THE FRONT OF THE STAGE AND GIVES A NAZI PENNY TO SOMEONE NEAR THE FRONT AND SAYS) “Is it Nazi money? Look on the back there is a swastika and it is dated in the 1930’s” (AUDIENCE MEMBER WILL PROBABLY ANSWER YES AND IZAN WILL SAY) “ OK. The penny is yours. A penny from hell”
(IZAN ADDRESSES THE AUDIENCE)
I know that most of you came out tonight so you could dance with Hitler. Well he doesn’t like to dance when it is really hot. Like hell is not?
Remember when your parents told you that you had a snowballs chance in hell when you wanted that Martha Stewart doll for Christmas? Well, after tonight you can go back and tell them to get you that Martha Stewart doll.
I am going to magically create a snow storm to cool it off a little.
(IZAN GETS OUR SNOW STORM PACKET AND FAN)
(IZAN STARTS BLOWING THE SNOW STORM)
“Wow, this is pretty cool
(BREAK FAN)
Damn! One of those f*%*#ing capitalist sold this to me. One thing for sure where there are Capitalist there is going to be faulty products.
Other than so many faulty products there are some advantages in Hell. No dress Code is one of them (IZAN MOVES HIS HANDS DOWN HIS SIDES AND LOOKS DOWN AT HIS CLOTHES)
(IZAN TAKES A BOX OF MATCHES OUT OF HIS POCKET)
Remember how your parents always told you that you could never play with matches. Well in Hell you can play with them all want. Like what are you going to do? Catch Hell on Fire?
(IZAN STRIKES A MATCH FROM THE TRICK MATCH BOX – WITHOUT CLOSING THE BOX) (A trick match box is used the flames are controlled)
And close cover before striking? Sure (WITH SARCASM) You can even put a burning match back into a full box (IZAN INSERTS THE BURNING MATCH INTO THE TRICK BOX AND CLOSES IT)
So playing with matches in Hell is one of the rewards of Hell.
(IZAN PACES THE STAGE AND ALMOST FALLS)
f*%*# . Oh yea you can use bad language in hell. What are they going to do? Send you to Hell? Extend your sentence? “Oh yea we are going to add a couple days to eternity cause you said a bad word” (IZAN PRETENDS HE IS WRITING ON A PIECE OF PAPER)
Well I know you came to the party tonight to dance. But first lets see what we have for lunch.
(IZAN PICKS UP A LUNCH BAG WITH ED GEIN’S PICTURE ON IT. IT IS FILLED WITH WRAPPED PICKLED PIGS FEET)
Another good thing about Hell is that you usually get a hot meal three times a day.
The only problem is that the head Cooks are Ed Gein and Jeff Daumer.
I only got a bag lunch today because Ed is out digging and Jeff is hanging around the YMCA for some reason. But YMCA had a different meaning here in hell. “Young Men’s Cute Asses”. Well maybe it does mean the same thing.
Let’s see what Ed made for us today?
(IZAN OPEN BAG AND LOOKS INSIDE)
Same old thing. Anyone out there hungry?
(IZAN TOSSES BAG TO SOMEONE IN THE AUDIENCE or yell for the Minion to give it to someone)
(IZAN WALKS BACK TO CENTER STAGE AND SAYS)
Another cool thing about Hell is that we get to watch movies. Well actually only two movies “Little Black Sambo” and D.W. Griffith’s “Birth of a Nation”. They are both 8mm and silent.
START 8MM PROJECTOR or yell for Minion to turn on the projector
USE SOUND GIZMO TO PLAY BIRD SOUNDS
“I keep hearing bird sounds. Do you guys hear them?”
PUSH BUTTON AGAIN
“There it goes again. Lets see if we can find the thing.”
LOOK AROUND THE TABLE TO SEE IF YOU CAN FIND A BIRD. PUT 36” RED SILK OVER DISAPPEARING BIRD CAGE TABLE. PUT HAND OVER THE TOP OF THE TABLE AND SAY
“Abracadabra abracazam bird, bird here I am”
SLOWLY RAISE THE BIRD CAGE.
PUSH SOUND GIZMO BUTTON AND REMOVE SILK (PLACE SILK IN POCKET)
REACH INTO BACK OF BIRD CAGE AND GET CANARY (MUST HAVE HAND FLASHER IN ONE HAND – PROBABLY THE ONE THAT DOESN’T PICK UP THE BIRD AND SAY
“Damn canary. I don’t know how they get in here. From the coal mines you know. They just go too deep”
IGNITE FLASH PAPER CANARY
PUT RED SILK BACK ON BIRD CAGE AND SAY
“We don’t want anymore in here it is like they are trying to warn us or something”.
PUSH DISAPPEAR BUTTON WITH LEG WHILE FOOT IS ON THE BASE.
PICK UP GEIGER COUNTER AND SAY
“It has really been hot down here since they Nuked New York”
PAUSE
“Oh yea. They haven’t done that yet. Since we are down here for eternity sometimes we forget which has past and which is yet to be.”
“Anyway we got a lot and I mean of lot! Of new residence when they Nuked New York.
We also got radiation. It was kinda like the explosion felt in hell.
So periodically we check and if we find any we send it back.”
CHECK FOR RADIATION.
“Oh!! Oh!! Here is some”
“Does anyone want it?’
“It is real. Real radiation. Not fake.”
GIVE TO AN AUDIENCE MEMBER or say “Too much here. Minion give the rest of this to the audience”
THROW BAGS INTO AUDIENCE
“Oh here we got to send all this back.”
(LIFT UP THE DANCING HITLER PUPPET AND HOLD HIM TOWARD THE AUDIENCE)
Yes Boys and Girls he is smaller than you thought (TURN HIM SIDEWAYS) and much more shallow. The media and public education makes you think he is a really big guy.
(PUT HITLER ON INVISIBLE STRING)
One thing that the media and Public Education never told you was that Hitler was a really good dancer.
OK. Everyone has to stand up so we can dance with Hitler. You can just stand there and sway back and forth if you want. Don’t stray far from your seat. You don’t want to lose your place in Hell you know.
Now Izan is a good magician but (POINT TO SELF) is not a very good singer. So you have to help me sing so Hitler can dance. Every time I point at you, you are to sing, “Dance with me Hitler”
You got that? Every time I point at you the audience you are to sing, “Dance with me Hitler”
(START SINGING AND MOVING INVISIBLE STRING TO MAKE HITLER PUPPET MOVE)
(SUNG TO THE TUNE OF "DANCE WITH ME HENRY)
Will you dance with me Hitler?
All right baby (deeper voice)
Dance with me Hitler
I don’t mean maybe (deeper voice)
(POINT )
Any old time (deeper voice)
(POINT )
(SING IN LIGHTER VOICE) Dance till the night is gone
(POINT)
All right baby (deeper voice)
(POINT)
I don’t mean maybe (deeper voice)
(POINT)
Any old time (deeper voice)
(POINT)
(SING IN LIGHTER VOICE)
Dance till the night is gone.
(STOP SINGING)
Wow, that was fun.
(IZAN PAUSES TO CATCH HIS BREATH)
“I got one more magic trick for you.”
(PULLS OUT MAGIC WAND AND SHOOTS FIREBALL TO THE SIDE OF, AND OVER AUDIENCE HEAD) (A trick wand is used the fireball is controlled)
“You don’t want Hell coming out there. And remember Hell is not a cool place. So if you don’t want to be here. Don’t be a serial killer, Don’t be a Nazi, and for sure, never, never be a Capitalist.
Good night and sweet dreams.”
PULL GUN OUT OF SHOULDER HOLSTER AND FIRE INTO AIR
“Book um Danno.”
(IZAN EXITS and PERFORMANCE ENDS)
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