Bwa ha ha ha! You will absolutely adore this!!!
Email Facts Of Life
1. Big companies don't do business via chain letter. Bill Gates is not
giving you $1000, and Disney is not giving you a free vacation. There
is no baby food company issuing class-action checks. You can relax;
there is no need to pass it on "just in case it's true". Furthermore,
just because someone said in the message, four generations back, that
"we checked it out and it's legit", does not actually make it true.
2. There is no kidney theft ring in New Orleans. No one is waking up in
a bathtub full of ice, even if a friend of a friend swears it happened
to their cousin. If you are hellbent on believing the kidney-theft ring
stories, please
see:http://urbanlegends.tqn.com/library/weekly/aa062997.htm. And I
quote:
"The National Kidney Foundation has repeatedly issued requests for
actual victims of organ thieves to come forward and tell their stories.
None have." That's "none" as in "zero". Not even your friend's cousin.
3. Neiman Marcus doesn't really sell a $200 cookie recipe. And even if
they do, we all have it. And even if you don't, you can get a copy at:
http://www.bl.net/forwards/cookie.html Then, if you make the recipe,
decide the cookies are that awesome, feel free to pass the recipe on.
4. We all know all 500 ways to drive your roommates crazy, irritate
co-workers gross out bathroom stall neighbors and creep out people on
an elevator. We also know exactly how many engineers, college students,
Usenet posters and people from each and every world ethnicity it takes
to change a lightbulb.
5. If your CC: list is regularly longer than the actual content of your
message, you're probably going to Hell.
6. If you're using Outlook, IE, or Netscape to write email, turn off
the "HTML encoding." Those of us on Unix shells can't read it, and
don't care enough to save the attachment and then view it with a web
browser, since you're probably forwarding us a copy of the Neiman
Marcus Cookie Recipe anyway.
7. If you still absolutely MUST forward that 10th-generation message
from a friend, at least have the decency to trim the eight miles of
headers showing everyone else who's received it over the last 6 months.
It sure wouldn't hurt to get rid of all the ">" that begin each line.
Besides, if it has gone around that many times -- we've probably already
seen it.
8.Craig Shergold in England is not dying of cancer or anything else at
this time and would like everyone to stop sending him their business
cards. He apparently is also no longer a "little boy" either.
What Your Car Says About You
Acura Integra - I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars.
Acura Legend - I'm too bland for German cars.
Acura NSX - I am impotent.
Audi 90- I enjoy putting out engine fires.
Buick Park Avenue- I am older than 34 of the 50 states.
Cadillac Eldorado- I am a very good Mary Kay salesman.
Cadillac Seville- I am a pimp.
Chevrolet Camaro- I enjoy beating up people.
Chevrolet Chevette- I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I
have a 'Vette.
Chevrolet Corvette- I'm in a mid-life crisis.
Chevrolet El Camino - I am leading a militia to overthrow the government.
Chrysler Cordoba - I dig the rich Corinthian leather.
Datsun 280Z - I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well.
Dodge Dart -I teach third grade special education and I voted
for Eisenhower.
Dodge Daytona - I delivered pizza for four years to get this car.
Ford Escort - I'm a red-headed nanny.
Ford Fairmont - (See Dodge Dart)
Ford Mustang - I slow down to 85 in school zones.
Ford Crown Victoria - I enjoy having people slow to 55 mph & change lanes
when I pull up behind them.
Geo Storm - I will start the 11th grade in the Fall.
Geo Tracker - I will start the 12th grade in the Fall.
Honda del Sol - I have always said, half a convertible is better than no
convertible at all.
Honda Civic - I have just graduated and have no credit.
Honda Accord - I lack any originality and am basically a lemming.
Infiniti Q45 - I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending.
Isuzu Impulse - I do not give a rip about J.D. Power or his reports.
Jaguar XJ6 - I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop
280 days per year.
Kia Sephia - I learned nothing from the failure of Diahatsu Corp.
Lincoln Town Car - I live for bingo and covered dish suppers.
Mercury Grand Marquis - (See above)
Mercedes 500SL - I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph.
Mercedes 560SEL - I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole.
Mazda Miata - I do not fear being decapitated by an 18-wheeler.
MGB - I am dating a mechanic.
Mitsubishi Diamante - I don't know what it means either.
Nissan 300ZX - I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings.
Oldsmobile Cutlass - I just stole this car and I'm going to make a....
Peugeot 505 Diesel - I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List.
Plymouth Neon - I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena.
Pontiac Grand AM (pre 92 models) - I keep two cases of AquaNet in the
backseat, just in case someone in a Trans AM pulls up beside me.
Pontiac Trans AM - I am a redneck who thinks a Trans AM is a sportscar.
Porsche 944 - I am dating big haired women that otherwise would be
inaccessible to me.
Rolls Royce Silver Shadow - I think Pat Buchannon is a tad bit
too liberal.
Saturn SC2 - (See Honda Civic)
Subaru Legacy - I have always wanted a Japanese car even more.
Toyota Camry - I am still in the closet.
Volkswagon Beetle - I still watch Partridge Family reruns.
Volkswagon Cabriolet - I am out of the closet.
Volkswagon Microbus - I am tripping right now.
Volvo 740 Wagon - I am frightened of my wife
****Things You Would Never Know Without the Movies****
-All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the
armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lyingbeside
her.
-The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place.
No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel
to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
-Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not
be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
-A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but
will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
-Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night,
you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
-If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange
noises in their most revealing underwear.
-Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
-Wearing a vest or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerableto
bullets.
-Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
-All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red
readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
-One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them than 20
men firing at 1 man.
-Creepy music coming from a cemetery should always be investigated more
closely.
-If being fired at by Germans, hide in a river - or even a bath.
German bullets are unable to penetrate water.
-Free-lance helicopter pilots are always eager to accept bookings from
international terrorist organizations - even though the job will
require them to shoot total strangers and will end in their own
certain death as the helicopter explodes in a ball of flames.
-All computer disks will work in all computers, regardless of software.
-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to
eachother.
-Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage,
despite laying entire cities to waste by their actions.
-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no
lasting damage to an eight year old child.
-Having a job of any kind will make a father forget his son's eighth
birthday.
-Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three
days before their retirement.
-If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert
in nuclear fission at age 23.
or 
Subject: Canal Meetings
